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More and more couples are "breaking the mold" of the old way of planning a wedding - where all decisions and planning activities belong to the bride! These modern couples want to plan their wedding in the same style that they run their relationships and the rest of their life together - as a partnership!

There are some factors in our culture that seem to conspire against this "new" approach, but with good communication and determination, today's couple can work together and share the joys and burdens of planning their own unique wedding celebration.

Why Plan Together?

1. Your wedding is a reflection of your relationship - your partnership. What better way to celebrate the union of two people joining their lives than to design the celebration together and build in elements that express the two unique individuals as well as the new partnership.

2. It is good practice in the fine art of compromise! You will come up against many circumstances in which you will need to consider what your partner wants as much as (or more than) what you want. The ability to do this is a key to planning a wedding celebration that is an expression of your union, and is also a key to a happy and satisfying marriage.

3. It takes a lot of time and effort to plan a wedding, and it is only fair to divide the responsibilities evenly and share the tasks so that you both get to the big day with enough energy and good will to actually enjoy it!

How To...

1. Look at your Master List of things to do and divide it as evenly as possible, based on tasks that each of you enjoy or are particularly good at. Some tasks lend themselves nicely to joint attack, such as: selecting invitations; screening & selecting facilities, caterers and cakes (tastings -- Yum!); selecting wedding rings; determining a budget; addressing invitations; recording RSVPs and gifts; and writing thank-you notes for gifts received.

2. Divide up any remaining tasks, and think about what you can delegate to other people (attendants, parents, wedding site coordinator, and other people who offer their assistance).

3. Many of your tasks will take the form of "reconnaissance missions", in which you will go out and gather information and bring it back to your partner so that you two can discuss it and make your joint decisions. Obviously, the biggest joint decisions will most likely involve the major items on the list, such as the location of your ceremony and reception, food selection, level of formality and style of the wedding and reception, content of the ceremony, entertainment for the reception, etc.

4. Some of the decisions can be made by one or the other partner almost exclusively (perhaps the bride cares passionately about the menu choices, and the groom has always dreamed of leaving his wedding in a Bentley). It makes sense to check with each other to be sure that the other person doesn't also have strong opinions about that particular matter, but bear in mind that pleasing your mate by compromising on something they really want can go a long way toward more smoothly sailing through the wedding planning process.

5. Develop some kind of system for tracking when tasks are accomplished (as well as keeping track of receipts, contracts and other organizational items). When you finish a task, note it in this joint system, so that your partner knows it has been taken care of.

6. Set a regular "meeting" time (once/week?) to update each other on progress and to make joint decisions.

Working Through Conflict

It is reasonable to expect that some of these decisions or the process in general could generate some conflict, even in the most amicable of couples. When that happens, here are a few tips about how to negotiate your way through the minefield. (And remember, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!")

1. Once you have divvied up the jobs, try very hard to allow your partner to do the task their way.
   • You may need to have a conversation (or ten!) about time frames, and to make some deadlines for certain tasks to be accomplished.
   • Try to make a commitment to each other that you will do what you said you would do.
   • Try to be open to asking for help or re-negotiating the tasks or timeframes when possible.
   • Remind yourselves that you are doing all this because you love each other, and want to celebrate and express your commitment to each other in this way.
   • Trust each other to do the jobs well, and trust that your partner wants your wedding day to be a special day for both of you, and that they have this in mind when they are carrying out their tasks.
   • Let go of controlling every detail! Allow others do things, and know that it will turn out fine.
   • Let go of obsessing over every detail and know that on the wedding day, people will just notice and appreciate a general feeling of the day, not whether or not your tablecloths matched your guestbook pen!

2. Try to avoid getting involved in a "Power Struggle" by keeping your focus on the issue or question at hand. LISTEN to what your partner has to say, and concentrate on really hearing him/her when they tell you why a certain aspect of the wedding is very important to them. Likewise, when you are explaining your point of view, try to calmly convey what is really important about this issue to you. In doing this, you may find that you can actually let go of aspects of that particular issue, and that you were really just trying to be heard by your partner and trying to feel like you weren't losing control of the process.

3. Be sure to take time to get off of the "wedding planning merry-go-round" every so often. When one or both of you are feeling overly stressed by all the details and decisions, declare one day or one weekend "A Wedding-Free Zone", and vow not to discuss the plans for the entire time period! Hopefully, you will return from this refreshed and ready to tackle the next batch of tasks. It is also important to concentrate on your relationship, and remind yourselves of why you're together in the first place! Enjoy each other!

Here's another way of looking at this shared planning process - What Not To Do:

DO NOT. . . . . . try to do everything all by yourself without help from anyone (this leads to burnout and exhaustion and resentment and overload and...)

DO NOT. . . . . . try to avoid all planning and organizing tasks - or simply say "I don't care, honey, whatever you think is best" (see above warning)

DO NOT. . . . . . divide tasks evenly and then proceed to tell your partner that he/she is doing theirs all wrong and you'll take over because you know how to do it right (leading to: resentment, relationship discord, exhaustion, overload, and a one-sided celebration)

DO NOT. . . . . . say you will do something, and then just not get around to it (you may miss out on bookings if you wait too long, your partner is working to trust that you care about how the wedding turns out, and is trying not to take over something you have said you would do. Think of it as a work responsibility that you must accomplish, or re-negotiate it with your partner-maybe he/she has a similarly daunting task on their list they would like to trade!)

DO NOT. . . . . . shut your partner out by assuming they don't care or that they don't have good ideas.

DO NOT. . . . . . team up with other people (parents, attendants, friends) to "convince" your partner that your idea is better that his/hers, or to make decisions without involving or checking with your mate.

One last bit of advice in this vein:

DO NOT get so wrapped up in having a perfect wedding that you end up alienating everyone around you, and feeling so exhausted and overwhelmed that you can't enjoy the day you've worked so hard for!

DO: Delegate! Negotiate! Participate! Dream! Envision! And try to enjoy the process!

DO:

Work
Envision
Dream
Delegate
Imagine
Negotiate
Galvanize

DO NOT:

Whine
Elope
Demand
Dawdle
Insist
Nag
Gripe

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