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Where Do I Begin?!?

Congratulations, you have just become engaged! When the smoke clears a little, you find yourself wondering "how in the world do I plan a wedding?!" Well, this article will attempt to ease your worries a little, and get you started on organizing yourself to tackle this task.

For some people the first task is to run, not walk, to a Wedding Coordinator. What is a Wedding Coordinator? In short, a Wedding Coordinator, or Wedding Consultant can do some of the work of planning your wedding, and/or she/he can work with you to do much of the planning, and arrange for many or all of the services you will need for your special day. Coordinators' services and fees are wide ranging, and that's an entirely different article! For now, let's concentrate on what has to be done, and you can decide who is going to do it...

There are a small number (5) of decisions that should be made at the very start of the planning process, because many other choices will rest upon them. The tricky part is that sometimes they are so interwoven that it is difficult to know which one decision to make first! But, here they are, and I suggest you just make in-roads, and things will begin to fall into place.

Major Decisions (stage 1)

1. Style and Formality

   You must think very early in the process about what style of wedding you want, and how formal or informal an affair it will be. In terms of style, do you long for a quaint country wedding or a sophisticated society bash? This decision sets a tone for the entire wedding, and all decisions will be related to this choice. In particular, the type of invitation you send will convey something to your guests about the style of your wedding, and thus, the way they should dress for the occasion. You will be making decisions about your own (and your attendant's) attire soon as well, and these features should all reflect the same style and level of formality. The level of formality is related (in terms of "official" etiquette, that is) to the time of day of your wedding and reception. For example, a very formal wedding is not usually held in the middle of the day.

2. Type of Reception

   You should decide what type of food service and overall "feeling" you are looking for at your reception. Will the reception be indoors or outdoors or both? Are you thinking about a sit-down meal, a buffet, or a cocktail reception on the terrace? Do you foresee yourself and your guests dancing, enjoying the bar and sitting down to a five course dinner, or do you imagine volleyball and croquet on the lawn, with a barbecue and a keg of beer? These preferences dictate the type of setting you will choose for your reception and may increase or reduce certain limitations involved with the reception facility (whether or not they provide food, service, etc).

3. Number of Guests

   You will need to have some idea of How Many in order to determine a rough budget, and to look at facilities and catering in the near future, you will need to have a basic idea of how many guests (you can start by narrowing it down to large—more than 150, or small—less than 50). You also need to determine how you will divide up the guest list in terms of how many guests each "host" can invite. One way is to determine the maximum or optimum number of people you can invite, and then decide how many people each person can invite. In some cases, each set of parents may invite one-third, and the bride and groom invite one-third. Or perhaps one-third each for the bride and the groom, and the parents can invite the rest. The best advice—decide on a total number and get agreement from everyone that they will stick to it! (Otherwise, you will probably see the total number inching up and up, as people keep thinking of "just one more person" to invite!)

4. Budget

   Talk with the families to determine who will pay for what. For a traditional division of expenses, check out our "Who Pays For What?" article, and adjust according to your own, and your families' bank accounts and values. If one set of parents are paying for most expenses, it may make the most sense to ask them to tell you how much they are willing and able to spend overall. This allows the bride & groom to make a budget and allocate the money as they see fit, rather than requesting a dollar amount for each line item. This takes some of the emotional content out of the process. Barring this, at least have a target amount that you want to spend. If you find expenses are overshooting this, adjust accordingly.

5. Time of Year

   What seasonal special features are you looking for? Would you like your ceremony in a garden with lots of flowers in bloom? Do the crisp air and colors of the Fall foliage spell romance for you? Or are you more entranced by a candlelit ceremony with bridesmaids dressed in red velvet? Plan accordingly, and know that some seasonal features are highly sought-after, which means planning farther in advance. Think about the amount of time you need for planning your wedding, and work in your desired season/time of year leaving yourself enough time to plan, or adjusting your expectations to account for a shorter time frame, if needed.

Next Decisions (stage 2)

These are the decisions that depend upon the "Major Decisions", and are important in shaping your wedding. Try not to get too overwhelmed, and just take them one at a time.

• Ceremony and Reception Locations—Book these in keeping with the style and formality decisions you made in the earlier stages. Often, the church is one of the most challenging to find, so you should probably wait until you have found one that you are sure about before setting a definite date and informing people.

• Date and Time—Work with both families to narrow this down to a final date and time. This can be emotionally charged—bear in mind that you probably will not be able to accommodate every friend and relative in setting your date. Just try to make it work for yourselves and immediate family, and perhaps special friends if you are planning to ask them to be attendants. Once your date is firm, inform friends and relatives who have to travel from any distance, so that they can begin making their travel plans.

• Officiant—This could be a clergy person, or Justice of the Peace, and in some states there are other options. Many churches require you to use their officiant.

• Attendants—Decide how many attendants you want (a general guideline is 1 usher for 50 guests) . Sometimes people try to have an even number of men and women, but this is becoming more flexible. The important thing is to have the people in your wedding who are special to you (if possible, try to avoid including people out of obligation, just because you were in their wedding. Additionally, try to avoid having "difficult people"—you want things to go smoothly, your attendants should be supporting you, not draining energy from you!)

• Attire—The bride should find her dress first, and then work on selecting bridesmaid attire. A wedding gown may take 6 months or more to order. The bridesmaids gowns should take less. The groom and his attendants can probably get their tuxes (or what-have-you) all at the same time, and this should be done 4 to 10 months before the wedding.

• Invitation selection—You can go to a printer, stationery store or bridal accessories shop to find a huge selection of invitations from which to choose (or you can have them hand lettered, or even print them yourself with a high quality computer printer) You should expect to mail the invitations 4-6 weeks prior to the wedding, and you should plan plenty of time to have them printed (and reprinted, if necessary) and delivered to you. Remember that you have to hand address all of them, so give yourself enough time for this as well. (People sometimes enlist help from their friends/bridesmaids for this job). Remember to order or make some sort of response card to mail with the invitations for guests to mail back informing you of whether or not they plan to attend.

• Develop guest list—This obviously goes hand-in-hand with the above task. Given the time frame needed for the invitations, you'll need to have your guest list complete by 6-8 weeks before the wedding day. Start with a number limit that you feel comfortable with, and make an "A list", "B list" and "C list" (parents can do the same with their list, or simply give you a list of the people they want to invite, and you can negotiate as you go along). The "A list" is those people who will unquestionably be invited, the "B" is for people that you would really like to be there, but could "cut" if absolutely necessary, and "C" might be for co-workers, acquaintances, etc, whom you could leave off the final list if you exceed your target number. Typically, you can expect about 80-90 percent of invitees to actually attend your wedding, but if there's a "Murphy's Law of weddings", it may apply here, and you may have a higher percentage of attendees, so plan accordingly.

• Reception Menu Ideas/Style—Now is the time to narrow down your thoughts about what kind of food, and overall style you want for your reception. In the first decision stage, you may have decided on an informal wedding, now it's time to think about whether that means cake and punch, a cocktail party or a pig-roast and hoe-down! Finances can certainly come into play in this decision—it's time to begin talking with service providers to get a feel for costs of various types of food service (sit-down with service, buffet, stations, etc). Start thinking about anything special you want in terms of a wedding cake, as well.

• Service Providers (Caterer, Photographer, Florist, Musicians, Videographer, Transportation, etc) —Use websites like this one, local wedding directories, word-of-mouth recommendations from friends, and even the phone book to get names and phone numbers of providers of the various wedding services, and begin to contact vendors. You will want to personally meet any vendor that you are considering hiring, and in most cases you will make an appointment to meet them at their place of business. In general, it is probably a good idea to meet with more than one vendor for each type of service, to get a sense of what different options you have.

• Honeymoon Destination & Plans—On top of everything else you are doing, you have to think about planning your honeymoon! Traditionally, this is the groom's responsibility, but you should divide tasks in whatever way works best for your situation. You will need to think about transportation to and from your destination, and lodging and food for while you are there. Make sure you can both get the time off from your jobs.

• Wedding Rings—You don't need these too far ahead, but give yourselves time to find what you want if you are looking for something out of the ordinary. Make sure to have them far enough ahead of time that any necessary adjustments (sizing, engraving) can be made in plenty of time for the wedding day.

• Equipment Rental—If you are having a "tent wedding", or a wedding in any place other than a fully equipped facility, you may need to rent anything from the tent and portable toilets, to tables, chairs, china, silverware and chafing dishes. If your wedding is in a high demand season, you will need to make arrangements for these rentals well ahead of time, as many rental companies have only enough chairs to "do" one large wedding at a time. Often the rental company will have a showroom with sample tables set up, so you can see the selections of dishware and linens all laid out in combinations. Do not forget to think about any rental items you may need for the ceremony, such as candelabra or trellises.

• Rehearsal Dinner—Traditionally, this is the domain of the parents of the groom. It is generally an opportunity for the wedding party and close family members to celebrate in a more intimate setting (it follows the rehearsal, where you iron out the details of the ceremony). It is often the scene of many toasts to the future of the bride and groom, and is the time when the couple give their thank-you gifts to their attendants. Some people opt for a casual gathering, perhaps a barbecue at someone's home, while others book a private space in a restaurant. Some families also invite any extended family or out-of-town guests who have already arrived for the wedding.

Color Scheme—bridesmaid's attire, table linens, flower colors, ceremony site and reception decorations (balloons, garlands, etc)
Ceremony—readings, special features, musical choices
Wedding day schedule—order of events, timing
Reception music selections
Flower arrangements
Final decisions on food and beverage—Find out when your caterer needs a final head count.
Marriage License—usually obtained from the Town Clerk in the town or county where the couple resides or where the marriage will be performed. Some states require blood tests, and some have a waiting period.
Click License links below for Info on "Getting Your Marriage License" Beauty and Personal Accessories
Reception and Ceremony Accessories—guest book, cake knife, candles, linens, etc.

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